From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
I really don't remember too much about this piece. I looked up some stuff and apparently there was this Asia shyster, Tommy Vu, who was pumping out these "how to get rich" videos about getting rich with real estate. And there were all the weigh-loss, exercise videos and informercials out as well. And I combined them into this slightly racist parody. There probably wasn't much here that would tickle GK's fancy, but some weeks, the muses come slowly.
Real Estate-etics
GK: The following is a paid commercial program.
LIP SING: Hi, there, America! Are you poor and out of shape? You can't pay your bills and are fat? Then I can help! I'm Lip Sing, and I developed a special program that can earn you millions and help shed unwanted pounds. I call it Real estate-icize. I've created a system where you can buy gyms and health clubs that are going bankrupt with little or no money down, work out at them for free, then sell them at amazing profits!
WOMAN: I was fat and poor until one night I was up late eating a can of cake frosting when saw Lip Sing's infomercial telling me how I could get rich and thin. Now, thanks to his patented Real-estate-icize method, I'm thinner and richer than I could ever believe possible.
LIP SING: That's right, you can start your journey to riches and thinness with no money down! I came to this country in a leaky boat, broke and alone. And quite chubby. Now I can buy and sell people just like you! And I want you to know the secret. For a price.
MAN: I was so heavy, I couldn't leave my house. But now I can, because I was able to buy a bigger house! Thank you, Lip Sing!
LIP SING: You are welcome, unsolicitated friend! Find out how you can be part of the real estate-icize revolution. Just send me your bank account number with the routing code and I'll send you a video tape which explains the whole process to you! So hurry, and you can get started on your thin, rich self!
GK: Real estate-icize, the get-rich-quick scheme that burns those unwanted calories.
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