From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Back in 2007, (as I explain in the bit) the mayor of NYC was on a real health kick, attacking Big Gulps and transfats, and making laws against them. Now, how does one get around laws? By going into international waters, of course. I really liked this sketch and tried to work it into something. I did rework it to present to PHC, but they didn't go for it. Even with a pretty decent Mark Twain joke. And now that transfats are practically on the food pyramid, it doesn't seem like something to get back to...maybe food dyes? I dunno. Anyway, here's the bit as GK read it...
Off-shore Trans-Fat Restaurants
GK: Well, as you may or may not be aware, the city council in New York has voted to ban the use of transfats by restaurants in the city. But, as we know, when you prohibit something it only makes it that much more desirable. And we're seeing this now as new off-shore restaurants appear in international waters.
(Seagulls, buoys, waves crashing)
MAITRE D: Ahoy!
MAN: Permission to board!
MAITRE D: Do you have reservations?
MAN: Davis, party of seven.
MAITRE D: Yes, here it is. I'm terribly sorry, because of the rip tides we are running a little bit late. It'll be forty-five minutes for a table to open up in the galley. You can board and wait in our bar.
MAN: Thanks!
WAITER: Hello, I'm Dennis and I'm the First Maitre d. I'll be taking your order now, so it'll be ready when we reach international borders. After all we don't want to break any New York City laws do we?
MAN: Oh, no, never. Wink, wink.
WOMAN: Great. I'd like the deep-fried chicken and the deep-fried potatoes.
WAITER: You get your choice of vegetable with that.
WOMAN: What do you have?
WAITER: We have the deep-fried string beans and the deep-fried broccoli.
WOMAN: Hmmm, I'll have the deep-fried broccoli. And can I get that with extra trans-fats?
WAITER: Of course! And you, sir?
MAN: I'd like the deep-fried platter. And instead of deep-fried French fries, can I get deep-fried mashed potatoes?
WAITER: No problem. Anything to drink?
WOMAN: What do you have that's deep-fried?
WAITER: Sorry, nothing.
MAN: Just water, then.
(fog horns)
WAITER: Captain! Fog alert!
CAPTAIN: Perfect. That'll make it harder for them to find us! Keep a sharp outlook for gambling ships.
MAITRE D: I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, they'll be a slight delay with the catch of the day. We haven't caught it yet. But as soon as we do, we'll deep fry it up for you all.
(boat horns)
WAITRESS: Mark Twain! Mark Twain!
MAN: Waitress, is there a problem? Are we in shallow waters? Are we going to run aground?
WAITERESS: No, I'm calling Mark Twain, his table is ready. Mark Twain, party of four.
WAITER: Captain Lawrence! The Coast Guard is approaching!
GUARD: (on bull horn) Ahoy, SS Lardbucket! Prepare to be boarded.
CAPTAIN: Full speed ahead! Get this load of transfats into international waters now!
(Claxons sound)
GUARD: Lardbucket, come about and cut your engines!
CAPTAIN: Damn the transfats and full speed ahead!
(engines roar)
WOMAN: Excuse, waiter, can we get some more deep-fried bread here?
WAITER: Right away, ma'am.
WOMAN: I hope Helen was right about this place. She said the food is delicious!
MAN: Food's always better when it's illegal.
GK: So, if you're in the mood for the flavors that you can only get from cooking with transfats, join us on the SS Lardbucket for a dining experience you won't soon forget. It sails nightly from Sheeps Head Bay along with its sister ships, the Fried Chicken of the Sea and the Grease-itania
The end.
(Seagulls, buoys, waves crashing)
MAITRE D: Ahoy!
MAN: Permission to board!
MAITRE D: Do you have reservations?
MAN: Davis, party of seven.
MAITRE D: Yes, here it is. I'm terribly sorry, because of the rip tides we are running a little bit late. It'll be forty-five minutes for a table to open up in the galley. You can board and wait in our bar.
MAN: Thanks!
WAITER: Hello, I'm Dennis and I'm the First Maitre d. I'll be taking your order now, so it'll be ready when we reach international borders. After all we don't want to break any New York City laws do we?
MAN: Oh, no, never. Wink, wink.
WOMAN: Great. I'd like the deep-fried chicken and the deep-fried potatoes.
WAITER: You get your choice of vegetable with that.
WOMAN: What do you have?
WAITER: We have the deep-fried string beans and the deep-fried broccoli.
WOMAN: Hmmm, I'll have the deep-fried broccoli. And can I get that with extra trans-fats?
WAITER: Of course! And you, sir?
MAN: I'd like the deep-fried platter. And instead of deep-fried French fries, can I get deep-fried mashed potatoes?
WAITER: No problem. Anything to drink?
WOMAN: What do you have that's deep-fried?
WAITER: Sorry, nothing.
MAN: Just water, then.
(fog horns)
WAITER: Captain! Fog alert!
CAPTAIN: Perfect. That'll make it harder for them to find us! Keep a sharp outlook for gambling ships.
MAITRE D: I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, they'll be a slight delay with the catch of the day. We haven't caught it yet. But as soon as we do, we'll deep fry it up for you all.
(boat horns)
WAITRESS: Mark Twain! Mark Twain!
MAN: Waitress, is there a problem? Are we in shallow waters? Are we going to run aground?
WAITERESS: No, I'm calling Mark Twain, his table is ready. Mark Twain, party of four.
WAITER: Captain Lawrence! The Coast Guard is approaching!
GUARD: (on bull horn) Ahoy, SS Lardbucket! Prepare to be boarded.
CAPTAIN: Full speed ahead! Get this load of transfats into international waters now!
(Claxons sound)
GUARD: Lardbucket, come about and cut your engines!
CAPTAIN: Damn the transfats and full speed ahead!
(engines roar)
WOMAN: Excuse, waiter, can we get some more deep-fried bread here?
WAITER: Right away, ma'am.
WOMAN: I hope Helen was right about this place. She said the food is delicious!
MAN: Food's always better when it's illegal.
GK: So, if you're in the mood for the flavors that you can only get from cooking with transfats, join us on the SS Lardbucket for a dining experience you won't soon forget. It sails nightly from Sheeps Head Bay along with its sister ships, the Fried Chicken of the Sea and the Grease-itania
The end.
