From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Wow, I must have been in a slum this week. This is an old sketch of mine, written originally for the group Style Without Substance. It was one of their go-to pieces and they did it several times during their existence. It's a funny sketch. It also involves several women, which could have been one of the reasons PHC didn't use it. I had to tone it down a bit for radio. But this was written I my vaudeville/Python period; silly premise, building jokes, odd logic. It's a solid bit, but in the end, it probably is better on video.
I've linked to the Style version we did for Staten Island Public Access TV.
I've linked to the Style version we did for Staten Island Public Access TV.
MEL’S DINNER
Restaurant setting.
CINDY: It's all so lovely, Mel. This is a wonderful restaurant.
MEL: Only the best for my best gal. You know, Cindy, sure, I'm rich, but does that make me happy?
CINDY: Does it?
MEL: How can it, unless I can find someone to share it with? I've looked for a long time, and at last I think I've found that someone and that’s why I bought this ring. Cindy, will you marry me?
CINDY: Oh, Mel!
MEL: Let me just slip this on your finger---
GRACE: Hello, my name is Grace and I’ll be your waitress this evening. Are you ready to order? Mel? Mel, is that you?
MEL: Huh? Grace? What are you doing here?
GRACE: Me? I'm trying to earn a living.
CINDY: You know each other?
GRACE: I used to be married to this clown.
CINDY: Clown?
MEL: Cindy, Grace. Grace, Cindy.
CINDY: How do you do?
GRACE: Keeping my head above water, just about.
CINDY: Mel, why is your ex-wife waiting tables? Aren't you wealthy?
MEL: Well, yes, but I—-
GRACE: So what brings you here, Mel?
MEL: We heard your early bird specials were the best—-
CINDY: Mel just asked me to marry him. He just presented me with this ring.
GRACE: Why you miserable, cheap jerk!
MEL: Could we get another table perhaps?
GRACE: My ring! That's my ring! You said it was stolen!
MEL: I did? I don't recall—-
CINDY: Did you steal this ring, Mel?
MEL: You don't understand, it's a family heirloom. It belonged to my mother.
CINDY: It did?
GRACE: Well, Melvin, let's find out. (calling) Mrs. Carlson!
CARLSON: Yes, Grace, you called? Mel? Mel, is that you?
MEL: Yeah. Hi, mom.
CINDY: This is your mother? Waiting tables?
CARLSON: Yes. When Mel's father died, he was executor of the will and he cut me off without a cent, the miserable cheap--
CINDY: Jerk?
CARLSON: Yeah, that's the term.
GRACE: Mrs. Carlson, look at her ring.
CARLSON: My ring! Mel, you told me it was stolen!
MEL: Well, maybe stolen wasn't the proper term. I'll bet if I had thesaurus I'd have a better word. Check, please!
LISA: Excuse me, Grace, Mrs. Carlson, what seems to be the trouble here? Mel? Mel, is that you?
GRACE: Lisa, you know him?
LISA: Sure, he's my live-in. You know him?
CINDY, GRACE & CARLSON: Yes.
LISA: Small world, isn't it?
MEL: I knew it! I knew someone was going to say that!
CINDY: That's it, the engagement is off. Here's your ring back!
LISA: Engagement? Hey, that's my ring! Mel, you said it was--
CARLSON: Stolen?
LISA: No, radioactive. He had to return it.
GRACE: You get some points for originality.
CINDY: You, you miserable, cheap—-
LISA: Jerk?
CINDY: Yes, exactly!
MEL: Cindy, come back!
GRACE: Tough break, Mel. I'll have my lawyers give you a buzz about that ring.
MEL: Now wait a second, Grace, don’t leave like that--
LISA: Good-by, Mel. I'm changing the locks on the apartment.
MEL: Lisa, don’t go away mad---
CARLSON: You can just forget about coming over for dinner Sunday, Mel.
MEL: Oh, Mom!
ROD: Excuse me, I’d like to clear the table for the next couple. Are you through here?
MEL: Sure looks that way.
ROD: Mel? Mel, is that you? Can I have the fifty dollars you owe me?
end
CINDY: It's all so lovely, Mel. This is a wonderful restaurant.
MEL: Only the best for my best gal. You know, Cindy, sure, I'm rich, but does that make me happy?
CINDY: Does it?
MEL: How can it, unless I can find someone to share it with? I've looked for a long time, and at last I think I've found that someone and that’s why I bought this ring. Cindy, will you marry me?
CINDY: Oh, Mel!
MEL: Let me just slip this on your finger---
GRACE: Hello, my name is Grace and I’ll be your waitress this evening. Are you ready to order? Mel? Mel, is that you?
MEL: Huh? Grace? What are you doing here?
GRACE: Me? I'm trying to earn a living.
CINDY: You know each other?
GRACE: I used to be married to this clown.
CINDY: Clown?
MEL: Cindy, Grace. Grace, Cindy.
CINDY: How do you do?
GRACE: Keeping my head above water, just about.
CINDY: Mel, why is your ex-wife waiting tables? Aren't you wealthy?
MEL: Well, yes, but I—-
GRACE: So what brings you here, Mel?
MEL: We heard your early bird specials were the best—-
CINDY: Mel just asked me to marry him. He just presented me with this ring.
GRACE: Why you miserable, cheap jerk!
MEL: Could we get another table perhaps?
GRACE: My ring! That's my ring! You said it was stolen!
MEL: I did? I don't recall—-
CINDY: Did you steal this ring, Mel?
MEL: You don't understand, it's a family heirloom. It belonged to my mother.
CINDY: It did?
GRACE: Well, Melvin, let's find out. (calling) Mrs. Carlson!
CARLSON: Yes, Grace, you called? Mel? Mel, is that you?
MEL: Yeah. Hi, mom.
CINDY: This is your mother? Waiting tables?
CARLSON: Yes. When Mel's father died, he was executor of the will and he cut me off without a cent, the miserable cheap--
CINDY: Jerk?
CARLSON: Yeah, that's the term.
GRACE: Mrs. Carlson, look at her ring.
CARLSON: My ring! Mel, you told me it was stolen!
MEL: Well, maybe stolen wasn't the proper term. I'll bet if I had thesaurus I'd have a better word. Check, please!
LISA: Excuse me, Grace, Mrs. Carlson, what seems to be the trouble here? Mel? Mel, is that you?
GRACE: Lisa, you know him?
LISA: Sure, he's my live-in. You know him?
CINDY, GRACE & CARLSON: Yes.
LISA: Small world, isn't it?
MEL: I knew it! I knew someone was going to say that!
CINDY: That's it, the engagement is off. Here's your ring back!
LISA: Engagement? Hey, that's my ring! Mel, you said it was--
CARLSON: Stolen?
LISA: No, radioactive. He had to return it.
GRACE: You get some points for originality.
CINDY: You, you miserable, cheap—-
LISA: Jerk?
CINDY: Yes, exactly!
MEL: Cindy, come back!
GRACE: Tough break, Mel. I'll have my lawyers give you a buzz about that ring.
MEL: Now wait a second, Grace, don’t leave like that--
LISA: Good-by, Mel. I'm changing the locks on the apartment.
MEL: Lisa, don’t go away mad---
CARLSON: You can just forget about coming over for dinner Sunday, Mel.
MEL: Oh, Mom!
ROD: Excuse me, I’d like to clear the table for the next couple. Are you through here?
MEL: Sure looks that way.
ROD: Mel? Mel, is that you? Can I have the fifty dollars you owe me?
end
