From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Okay, the show didn't run this late into June, but apparently I actually submitted multiple sketches as the season ended. And look now: how timely is this sketch? It's about eliminating the penny. To remind everyone, they have been talking about stopping the minting of pennies forever (certainly since 2006). But now, because a certain South African got involved, it's suddenly the best idea since sliced bread. Additionally, this was a road show, there were in Illinois that week and I was trying to come up with a geo-centric sketch, thinking that might get me some consideration. Pennies were in the news, Lincoln is on the penny, hey, you see where this is going, right? I don't know if they did, but I wasn't used.
Lucky Penny
GK: Of course, Illinois is the land of Lincoln, one of our great presidents…oh, speak of the devil, I just found a penny! Lucky me.
PENNY: Psst.
GK: What was that?
PENNY: Hey, buddy, down here.
GK: Wait a second are you talking?
PENNY: Ya gotta help me.
GK: President Lincoln?
PENNY: They're after me!
GK: Who?
PENNY: The government.
GK: I don’t understand.
PENNY: They're trying to get rid of me. They’re trying to stop making pennies.
GK: Oh, yes, there’s a bill in Congress.
PENNY: It's bad enough they keep rounding me and my kind up and putting us in jars, but now they're actually trying to eliminate me! Lucky penny my eye!
GK: Well, they say it costs 1.3 cents to make one cent. It's not smart economics.
PENNY: When did that ever stop a government program?
GK: You got me there.
PENNY: They were gunning for my buddy, the Roosevelt dime. They’re trying to dump him, man. It’s a coup. It’s the last roll for me, man. I’m obsolete. You ever been to a penny arcade? Play penny-ante?
GK: It’s been a long while.
PENNY: You ever try to use a penny at a toll booth? Face it, a penny isn’t even worth every penny. You gotta save me.
GK: I really don’t think you have to worry.
PENNY: Sure, that’s what they told Susan B. Anthony before they slapped her on the one dollar piece. That wasn’t pretty. You gotta save me…after all a penny saved is a penny earned.
GK: Look, Abe, you’re too ingrained in our society. I mean what would you pay for someone’s thoughts if there were no pennies? What would you put in your penny loafers? You’re not going anywhere; in for a penny, in for a pound.
Penny: Wow. You really think so?
GK: That’s just my two cents.
end
PENNY: Psst.
GK: What was that?
PENNY: Hey, buddy, down here.
GK: Wait a second are you talking?
PENNY: Ya gotta help me.
GK: President Lincoln?
PENNY: They're after me!
GK: Who?
PENNY: The government.
GK: I don’t understand.
PENNY: They're trying to get rid of me. They’re trying to stop making pennies.
GK: Oh, yes, there’s a bill in Congress.
PENNY: It's bad enough they keep rounding me and my kind up and putting us in jars, but now they're actually trying to eliminate me! Lucky penny my eye!
GK: Well, they say it costs 1.3 cents to make one cent. It's not smart economics.
PENNY: When did that ever stop a government program?
GK: You got me there.
PENNY: They were gunning for my buddy, the Roosevelt dime. They’re trying to dump him, man. It’s a coup. It’s the last roll for me, man. I’m obsolete. You ever been to a penny arcade? Play penny-ante?
GK: It’s been a long while.
PENNY: You ever try to use a penny at a toll booth? Face it, a penny isn’t even worth every penny. You gotta save me.
GK: I really don’t think you have to worry.
PENNY: Sure, that’s what they told Susan B. Anthony before they slapped her on the one dollar piece. That wasn’t pretty. You gotta save me…after all a penny saved is a penny earned.
GK: Look, Abe, you’re too ingrained in our society. I mean what would you pay for someone’s thoughts if there were no pennies? What would you put in your penny loafers? You’re not going anywhere; in for a penny, in for a pound.
Penny: Wow. You really think so?
GK: That’s just my two cents.
end
