From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This was for the 20065-2006 season finale, and I don't know where my head was at. This sketch was from the files. I had written it as a one act for a theater group Pen to Stage. An actress there saw it and really liked it. She was part of a group in NJ called Style Without Substance and wanted to know if she could use it for that. I agreed. She got to do it in one of Style's shows and because of that, I got to submit other material to the group and become a writer member of the group. But I must have really felt drained that I would pull it this off the hard drive. I played with it to make it audio. I've kind of forgotten about it because I should certainly pull it out to submit to all the mini-play festivals I'm submitting to now. I'll have to keep this one in mind. It's not like anyone heard it on the radio, because PHC passed...
LADIES OF THE HOUSE
EVE: I'm a pretty liberated lady. I work hard. I made a place for myself at the bank. Nothing was ever handed to me. I earned it. I have bachelors in economics and make a very respectable wage. Most would say I'm my own lady. And for the most part I am. But at home, try as I may, I seem to lose my identity.
(Door opens)
JOE: Hi, honey, I'm home. Where's my girl?
EVE: (little girl voice) You're home! You're home! Hi, Joe!
(Kisses)
JOE: Hi, baby. How was your day?
EVE: (little girl voice) Good.
JOE: Anything special?
EVE: (little girl voice) Yeah.
JOE: What did you do?
EVE: (little girl voice) We foreclosed on two mortgages today! And we passed our audit! It was fun!
JOE: Very good.
EVE: (little girl voice) And, and, we lowered our prime lending rate!
JOE: Good for you!
EVE: (little girl voice) Did you bring me anything? Did you, did you?
JOE: Just this.
EVE: Oh, wow! Your paycheck!
JOE: Want to take care of it, hon?
(Harp transformation)
EVE: (all business) With this income, we should be able to bank 10 percent into our IRA, pay our bi-weekly mortgage, and meet all minimum payments on the charge cards. Deducting the usual outflow for food and commuting.
JOE: Eve, can you take care of that later? I'm famished. What's on the menu?
(Harp transformation)
EVE: (French accent) May I recommend the pork chops broiled in a delicate barbeque sauce with just a hint of hickory. That comes with a vegetable and a potato.
JOE: Mm-mmm, sounds de-lish.
EVE:(French accent) And would you like the house dressing on your salad?
JOE: Sure.
EVE: One Kraft's Creamy Italian coming up. I ll be right back.
JOE: Honey, can I get a beer?
(Harp transformation)
EVE: (Brooklynese) Yo, you want a brew-ski, here you go. Bottoms up!
JOE: Hey, Eve? Next week the firm wants to have a dinner. Let all the executives and their wives meet. Wanna go? It means a couple of brownie points. But it's a chance to show off the little woman.
EVE: (tiny voice) Sounds lovely, dear.
JOE: I wanted Italian. Which salad is yours?
EVE: De plain, de plain...
(Harp transformation)
EVE: (trying for normal) So, dear --- how was --- your day?
JOE: Pretty rough, hon. The boss just wouldn't listen to any of my ideas. I talked until I was blue in the face. And all I got to show for it is stress and a knot in my neck. Could you give me a neck rub?
(Harp transformation)
EVE :(Swedish accent) Ja, it is no problem, snookums. Oh, ja, you are very tense. Your muscles feel like fists. I think we should lay you down and give you the works. Just relax. Here, come over to the couch and lie down.
JOE: Oh, yeah, that's it. That feels so good. Lower. Lower. Just keep relaxing me. Don't just stop at that, come to me, sweets.
(Harp transformation)
EVE: (sexy) Oh, sweet cakes wants it, does he? Think you can handle it, big boy?
JOE: Wait a second, something's not right here. We have to talk.
EVE: Want me to get the cheese whiz?
JOE: Yeah, we definitely have to talk. It's important.
EVE: What ever could it be, love beast?
JOE: Something's bothering me. I really have to talk it out.
(Harp transformation)
EVE: (German accent) So, what seems to be the trouble?
JOE: Lately, I've been plagued with doubts about my life. I feel like I'm missing something.
EVE: (German accent) Uh-huh. And these doubts, how long have you had them?
JOE: I can't say. They seem to come and go.
EVE: (German accent) Let s see if we can't draw it out of your subconscious. What do you see in this grease stain on your shirt?
JOE: Looks like a bumble bee.
EVE (German accent) Ah-ha. And these grass stains.
JOE: Looks like France.
EVE: (German accent) Uh-huh. And these stains on your underpants?
JOE: That's it! This feeling of emptiness! It's you! You've changed so much. You're not the woman I married. When we first met, you were a free-spirited, independent, strong woman. You knew where your head was at. But now, if it wasn't for your ID bracelet, I wouldn't know who you were. You don't think for yourself. You seem to agree with everything I say.
EVE: You know, you're right.
JOE: I heard marriage could do this to a person but I thought you were the exception. I guess I was wrong. I'm leaving you, Eve. I need a woman with a backbone. Good-by.
(Harp)
EVE: (domineering) And just where do you think you're going, Joseph Henry Wilson, Jr.?
JOE: Out?
EVE: I don't think so. You just march right back to your seat and finish your dinner this instance. And you're not getting up from that spot until your plate is clean!
JOE: Yes, mother, er, Eve.
EVE: That's better.
END
