From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Remember back to when the worse thing a vice-president could do was shoot someone in the face? But, then, like now, there was never any pushback on it. Dick Cheney shot a guy and got away with it. In fact the guy had to apologize to him. This was kind of a inflection point with the GOP to where in the future a candidate for office could brag about shooting people on 5th Ave. and not lose support.
I don't know if I thought PHC would use a sketch like this. I mean, I thought it worked. And it was topical. And I thought a decent take on the news, but maybe it was a bit too stringent for the radio show. Didn't get picked. But it's a good snapshot of another time and place.
I don't know if I thought PHC would use a sketch like this. I mean, I thought it worked. And it was topical. And I thought a decent take on the news, but maybe it was a bit too stringent for the radio show. Didn't get picked. But it's a good snapshot of another time and place.
In the Face
(sounds of a hospital)
NURSE: Okay, Mr. President, you can visit. But just for a few moments. Mr. Whittington needs his rest.
BUSH: Thank you, nurse. I won’t be but a minute.
HARRY: Who’s there?
BUSH: It’s me, Harry. The President. Of the United States.
HARRY: Mr. Bush.
BUSH: That’s right. How you feeling?
HARRY: Pretty good. For someone who’s been shot in the face.
BUSH: Funny you should mention that…I had to come by and ask you something.
HARRY: What is it?
BUSH: We don’t want you to talk about it.
HARRY: You don’t want me to talk about getting shot in the face?
BUSH: No. We feel it might make the administration look bad.
HARRY: Well, it didn’t do much for my looks.
BUSH: Yeah, well, we just want you to not mention it.
HARRY: Not mention that the Vice-President shot me in the face?
BUSH: Well, Dick feels really bad about that.
HARRY: How bad?
BUSH: Pretty bad.
HARRY: On a scale of one to ten, one being not bad and ten being as bad as being shot in the face, how bad does he feel?
BUSH: I’d have to say about a seven. Seven point eight, maybe.
HARRY: Where is he?
BUSH: He’s back at his undisclosed location. Trying to put it all in perspective. That’s why he’s hoping you won’t say anything. Take one for the team.
HARRY: I took dozens. Of course I’m going to mention it.
BUSH: See now, Harry, I have to insist you don’t.
HARRY: What are you saying?
BUSH: Well, if you bring up the incident, something bad could happen.
HARRY: Bad? You mean getting-shot-in-the-face bad?
BUSH: Look, just don’t mention it to the press or anyone. I’d hate to see anything happen to you. Or your family.
HARRY: What? You going to shoot my family in the face?
BUSH: Don’t be like this.
HARRY: Cheney shot me. I have birdshot in my heart. I saw you guys on TV. You were making jokes about it.
BUSH: So was Leno.
HARRY: Leno didn’t shoot me in the face.
BUSH: Just keep a lid on it. Things could get worse for you.
HARRY: What could possibility be worse then getting shot in the face?
BUSH: We’ll just say it was your fault. You should have been wearing a protective vest.
HARRY: On my face???
BUSH: You probably weren’t supposed to be there.
HARRY: Cheney was the one hunting without a legal hunting license.
BUSH: Sometimes you have to hunt with the license you have. We’ve been friends a long time. I’d hate to see you go against the administration over this. It won’t help you in the long run.
HARRY: Look, I don’t want to cause a stir. We’ve known each other for a long time. And when you boil it all down, it comes down to one thing.
BUSH: I know.
HARRY: And that one this is: Cheney shot me in the face. I have pellets in many organs of my body. And now you’re afraid you might be embarrassed by this? You don’t even want to acknowledge that it happened? That it was an accident? You just want be to keep my mouth shut?
BUSH: Precisely.
HARRY: How can you ask that of me?
BUSH: That’s the way we do these things.
NURSE: Mr. President, visiting hours are over. You’ll have to go now.
BUSH: Okay, nurse. Okay, Harry. I’ll shoot you later.
HARRY: What?
BUSH: See. I’ll see you later. Of course.
end
NURSE: Okay, Mr. President, you can visit. But just for a few moments. Mr. Whittington needs his rest.
BUSH: Thank you, nurse. I won’t be but a minute.
HARRY: Who’s there?
BUSH: It’s me, Harry. The President. Of the United States.
HARRY: Mr. Bush.
BUSH: That’s right. How you feeling?
HARRY: Pretty good. For someone who’s been shot in the face.
BUSH: Funny you should mention that…I had to come by and ask you something.
HARRY: What is it?
BUSH: We don’t want you to talk about it.
HARRY: You don’t want me to talk about getting shot in the face?
BUSH: No. We feel it might make the administration look bad.
HARRY: Well, it didn’t do much for my looks.
BUSH: Yeah, well, we just want you to not mention it.
HARRY: Not mention that the Vice-President shot me in the face?
BUSH: Well, Dick feels really bad about that.
HARRY: How bad?
BUSH: Pretty bad.
HARRY: On a scale of one to ten, one being not bad and ten being as bad as being shot in the face, how bad does he feel?
BUSH: I’d have to say about a seven. Seven point eight, maybe.
HARRY: Where is he?
BUSH: He’s back at his undisclosed location. Trying to put it all in perspective. That’s why he’s hoping you won’t say anything. Take one for the team.
HARRY: I took dozens. Of course I’m going to mention it.
BUSH: See now, Harry, I have to insist you don’t.
HARRY: What are you saying?
BUSH: Well, if you bring up the incident, something bad could happen.
HARRY: Bad? You mean getting-shot-in-the-face bad?
BUSH: Look, just don’t mention it to the press or anyone. I’d hate to see anything happen to you. Or your family.
HARRY: What? You going to shoot my family in the face?
BUSH: Don’t be like this.
HARRY: Cheney shot me. I have birdshot in my heart. I saw you guys on TV. You were making jokes about it.
BUSH: So was Leno.
HARRY: Leno didn’t shoot me in the face.
BUSH: Just keep a lid on it. Things could get worse for you.
HARRY: What could possibility be worse then getting shot in the face?
BUSH: We’ll just say it was your fault. You should have been wearing a protective vest.
HARRY: On my face???
BUSH: You probably weren’t supposed to be there.
HARRY: Cheney was the one hunting without a legal hunting license.
BUSH: Sometimes you have to hunt with the license you have. We’ve been friends a long time. I’d hate to see you go against the administration over this. It won’t help you in the long run.
HARRY: Look, I don’t want to cause a stir. We’ve known each other for a long time. And when you boil it all down, it comes down to one thing.
BUSH: I know.
HARRY: And that one this is: Cheney shot me in the face. I have pellets in many organs of my body. And now you’re afraid you might be embarrassed by this? You don’t even want to acknowledge that it happened? That it was an accident? You just want be to keep my mouth shut?
BUSH: Precisely.
HARRY: How can you ask that of me?
BUSH: That’s the way we do these things.
NURSE: Mr. President, visiting hours are over. You’ll have to go now.
BUSH: Okay, nurse. Okay, Harry. I’ll shoot you later.
HARRY: What?
BUSH: See. I’ll see you later. Of course.
end
