From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
As Haloween approached, I was looking to create holiday-themed sketches. Sometimes Keillor would paint these aural landscapes, beyond his Lake Woebegon monologues, where the entire company would get involved. I maybe got too elaborate with these, thinking the cast could easily populate epic sketch. They rarely did "epic" sketches.
I basically gathered up all my monster puns and half-baked monster ideas and a few Bugs Bunny jokes and strung them together with GK acting as our guide through a haunted house. I also threw in a couple of topic jokes, like a GOP official outing a CIA agent in the press.
In the end, I combined this with a similar radio sketch I did the year before to create a version of the bit that was produced over at Headfone.com, part of my Spooky Time Theater program.
I basically gathered up all my monster puns and half-baked monster ideas and a few Bugs Bunny jokes and strung them together with GK acting as our guide through a haunted house. I also threw in a couple of topic jokes, like a GOP official outing a CIA agent in the press.
In the end, I combined this with a similar radio sketch I did the year before to create a version of the bit that was produced over at Headfone.com, part of my Spooky Time Theater program.
Halloween Haunting
(wind blows, lonely footsteps, a creaky door opens)
GK: Halloween night. It's an unoffical holiday that honors the day when the barriers between our realm and the next blur. It's a time of bumps in the night, of howling winds and rustling branches; A time for every home to become a haunt, a dark house filled with ghosts, spirits and spooks. I was powerless to resist. I entered the building.
CIA: Boo.
GK: Who are you?
CIA: I'm a spook.
GK: You're a spook?
CIA: Yeah. I work for the CIA.
GK: You're CIA? A spy?
CIA: Yup.
GK: Can you prove that?
CIA: Sure. Ask Karl Rove. He knows all us spies. He'll tell you in a second.
GK: All right then. Can you scare me?
CIA: I could scare you, then I'd have to kill you.
GK: Oh, well then, never mind. Anything else I should know?
CIA: This conversation never took place.
GK: Fair enough. Good-by then.
CIA: So long. Oh, and boo, again.
GK: So I continued into the house when a little further along a voice cried out:
INVISIBLE MAN: Beware!
GK: Who are you?
INVISIBLE MAN: I'm the Invisible Man!
GK: Really?
IM: You can't tell?
GK: It's kind of hard on radio, you know.
IM: Oh, right. I have to work on that. My wife keeps telling me to.
GK: You're married?
IM: Oh yeah.
GK: Who'd you marry?
IM: The Invisible Woman. Duh.
GK: Have any kids?
IM: You know, I'm not really sure.
INVISIBLE WOMAN: Honey?
IM: There's the little woman now.
IW: Honey, where are you?
IM: Over here.
IW: Where?
IM: Here.
IW: Where?
IM: Here.
IW: Oh, there you are.
GK: Hello, ma'am. I was just talking to your husband and we started discussing your family. You have kids?
IW: Yes we do. Here's a photo all of them. Two girls and a boy.
GK: This is a photo of a giant crayon and one boy.
IW: That's them. Can't you see the family resemblance?
GK: No, which I suppose means I do. And this one boy who I can see?
IM: He's adopted. Now, honey, come on, we have to get moving, we're late as it is.
GK: Going out?
IM: Costume party.
GK: What are you going as?
IW: I'm going as a pane of glass.
IM: And I'm going as invisible tape.
IW: Gotta run. Coming, honey?
IM: All right, all right, I'm coming. Man, what a nag.
IW: And you're a wet blanket. I don't know what I ever saw in you.
(door closes)
GK: I pressed forward into the bleak house. It was dark, dank, dim and other "d" adjectives. Before long I was face to face with a ghost.
GHOST: Ebenezer! Ebenezer Scrooge! Come and know me better, man.
GK: Excuse me, I'm not Ebenezer. I think you're in the wrong story. This is a ghost story.
GH: What am I, chopped liver?
GK: Point taken.
GH: Well, since I'm here, could you pass along this message to Ebenezer?
GK: Sure, what is it?
(Chains rattle)
GK: What kind of message is that?
GH: It's a chain letter. Farewell!
GK: An out-of-season ghost. Interesting. Exploring further, I heard bones rattling...
(bones rattling)
GK: I opened a door to see a skeleton. So, they had bats in the belfry and skeletons in the closet.
WM: And that's not all, this kitchen is huge, with a double refrigerator. You have 3 bedrooms, a finished basement and a full attic. And of course, out back, a built-in pool.
(splashing, roars)
GK: What is that in the pool?
WM: That's a creature from the Black Lagoon.
GK: You mean THE creature from the Black Lagoon.
WM: No, as it turns out, the lagoon was infested with these things. So with true in advertising laws, we have to call it a creature from the Black Lagoon.
GK: I see.
WM: It's just a fabulous place. It's a steal at 400 thousand. And you better get it now, before the housing bubble burst.
GK: I'd have to think it over.
WM: Okay, but just so you know, I had a couple from Transylvania here this morning and they loved the place. If they come back before you, I'll have to let them have it.
GK: And that's where the tale became too scary. Real estate is not for the faint of heart.
end
GK: Halloween night. It's an unoffical holiday that honors the day when the barriers between our realm and the next blur. It's a time of bumps in the night, of howling winds and rustling branches; A time for every home to become a haunt, a dark house filled with ghosts, spirits and spooks. I was powerless to resist. I entered the building.
CIA: Boo.
GK: Who are you?
CIA: I'm a spook.
GK: You're a spook?
CIA: Yeah. I work for the CIA.
GK: You're CIA? A spy?
CIA: Yup.
GK: Can you prove that?
CIA: Sure. Ask Karl Rove. He knows all us spies. He'll tell you in a second.
GK: All right then. Can you scare me?
CIA: I could scare you, then I'd have to kill you.
GK: Oh, well then, never mind. Anything else I should know?
CIA: This conversation never took place.
GK: Fair enough. Good-by then.
CIA: So long. Oh, and boo, again.
GK: So I continued into the house when a little further along a voice cried out:
INVISIBLE MAN: Beware!
GK: Who are you?
INVISIBLE MAN: I'm the Invisible Man!
GK: Really?
IM: You can't tell?
GK: It's kind of hard on radio, you know.
IM: Oh, right. I have to work on that. My wife keeps telling me to.
GK: You're married?
IM: Oh yeah.
GK: Who'd you marry?
IM: The Invisible Woman. Duh.
GK: Have any kids?
IM: You know, I'm not really sure.
INVISIBLE WOMAN: Honey?
IM: There's the little woman now.
IW: Honey, where are you?
IM: Over here.
IW: Where?
IM: Here.
IW: Where?
IM: Here.
IW: Oh, there you are.
GK: Hello, ma'am. I was just talking to your husband and we started discussing your family. You have kids?
IW: Yes we do. Here's a photo all of them. Two girls and a boy.
GK: This is a photo of a giant crayon and one boy.
IW: That's them. Can't you see the family resemblance?
GK: No, which I suppose means I do. And this one boy who I can see?
IM: He's adopted. Now, honey, come on, we have to get moving, we're late as it is.
GK: Going out?
IM: Costume party.
GK: What are you going as?
IW: I'm going as a pane of glass.
IM: And I'm going as invisible tape.
IW: Gotta run. Coming, honey?
IM: All right, all right, I'm coming. Man, what a nag.
IW: And you're a wet blanket. I don't know what I ever saw in you.
(door closes)
GK: I pressed forward into the bleak house. It was dark, dank, dim and other "d" adjectives. Before long I was face to face with a ghost.
GHOST: Ebenezer! Ebenezer Scrooge! Come and know me better, man.
GK: Excuse me, I'm not Ebenezer. I think you're in the wrong story. This is a ghost story.
GH: What am I, chopped liver?
GK: Point taken.
GH: Well, since I'm here, could you pass along this message to Ebenezer?
GK: Sure, what is it?
(Chains rattle)
GK: What kind of message is that?
GH: It's a chain letter. Farewell!
GK: An out-of-season ghost. Interesting. Exploring further, I heard bones rattling...
(bones rattling)
GK: I opened a door to see a skeleton. So, they had bats in the belfry and skeletons in the closet.
WM: And that's not all, this kitchen is huge, with a double refrigerator. You have 3 bedrooms, a finished basement and a full attic. And of course, out back, a built-in pool.
(splashing, roars)
GK: What is that in the pool?
WM: That's a creature from the Black Lagoon.
GK: You mean THE creature from the Black Lagoon.
WM: No, as it turns out, the lagoon was infested with these things. So with true in advertising laws, we have to call it a creature from the Black Lagoon.
GK: I see.
WM: It's just a fabulous place. It's a steal at 400 thousand. And you better get it now, before the housing bubble burst.
GK: I'd have to think it over.
WM: Okay, but just so you know, I had a couple from Transylvania here this morning and they loved the place. If they come back before you, I'll have to let them have it.
GK: And that's where the tale became too scary. Real estate is not for the faint of heart.
end
