From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Election time was coming up and I went to my go-to premise, election ads. This was back when election ads had started to lose touch with reality. Negative ads were all the rage, pun intended. And national politics was now washing over all elections at any level. No matter the level of office, everyone had to hop on the coattails of whomever was in the White House. Is was not always the logical way to run a campaign. PHC didn't go for it. I'd written running gags for them in the past and they never made it on, so I'm sure that was a strike against me. But I tried it again anyway.
Getting out the vote in 4 parts:
Baker for Dogcatcher
ANNOUCER: The following is a paid political message.
SPOKESMAN: There are dogs in the woods. David Markem says he can catch them. But based on his record, how do we know he can? This town needs a dogcatcher it can trust. Can we go back to the old pre-9/11 ways of catching dogs? Some of those dogs could be rabid. Some of the dogs could even be dingoes. But with David Markem as dogcatcher, how will we ever know? We need dogs caught. And when we catch them, we need to put them down. We need Harold Baker. Vote for Harold Baker for dogcatcher. Don't vote for David Markem. I repeat, do not, under any circumstances, vote for David Markem.
BAKER: I'm Harold Baker and I approved this message. So take that, David Marke
ANNOUCER: The following is a paid political message.
SPOKESMAN: There are dogs in the woods. David Markem says he can catch them. But based on his record, how do we know he can? This town needs a dogcatcher it can trust. Can we go back to the old pre-9/11 ways of catching dogs? Some of those dogs could be rabid. Some of the dogs could even be dingoes. But with David Markem as dogcatcher, how will we ever know? We need dogs caught. And when we catch them, we need to put them down. We need Harold Baker. Vote for Harold Baker for dogcatcher. Don't vote for David Markem. I repeat, do not, under any circumstances, vote for David Markem.
BAKER: I'm Harold Baker and I approved this message. So take that, David Marke
Dogcatcher Vote 2
ANNOUCER: The following is a paid political message.
SPOKESMAN: Harold Baker says he wants your vote. But look at his record: He's against stem cell research. He's for the war. He doesn't care about the deficit. He refuses to support Israel or a Palestinian homeland. During his administration, our borders are overrun and there's no plan to securing them. He supports a wasteful program to send a man to Mars. He's soft on civil rights. He's wrong on the issues. He's wrong on the policies. And he's wrong for us. Vote for David Markem. He's a dogcatcher you'll be proud of.
ANNOUNCER: This ad paid for by the "David Markem for Dogcatcher" campaign committee.
BAKER: I'm David Markem and I approved this message. In principle, anyway.
ANNOUCER: The following is a paid political message.
SPOKESMAN: Harold Baker says he wants your vote. But look at his record: He's against stem cell research. He's for the war. He doesn't care about the deficit. He refuses to support Israel or a Palestinian homeland. During his administration, our borders are overrun and there's no plan to securing them. He supports a wasteful program to send a man to Mars. He's soft on civil rights. He's wrong on the issues. He's wrong on the policies. And he's wrong for us. Vote for David Markem. He's a dogcatcher you'll be proud of.
ANNOUNCER: This ad paid for by the "David Markem for Dogcatcher" campaign committee.
BAKER: I'm David Markem and I approved this message. In principle, anyway.
Vote for Jones
ANNOUNCER: The following is a paid political announcement.
SPOKESMAN: Congress Smith says you should re-elect him to Congress. He says to look at his record. He says he is against the war. But he voted for it! Now he says he voted for the war based on the disinformation and bogus claims made by the administration. Is this the kind of man we want in office? A man who believes any propaganda, fib or lie fed to him? A man who doesn't realized he's been spun like a plate on a stick? A man willing to abandon his core convictions based on a tall tale spun by den of vipers? Is this who you want representing you in Congress? I don't think so. So vote for Mike Jones for Congress, he'll support the war no matter what.
JONES: I'm Mike Jones and I approved this message because I'm in it up to my elbows.
ANNOUNCER: The following is a paid political announcement.
SPOKESMAN: Congress Smith says you should re-elect him to Congress. He says to look at his record. He says he is against the war. But he voted for it! Now he says he voted for the war based on the disinformation and bogus claims made by the administration. Is this the kind of man we want in office? A man who believes any propaganda, fib or lie fed to him? A man who doesn't realized he's been spun like a plate on a stick? A man willing to abandon his core convictions based on a tall tale spun by den of vipers? Is this who you want representing you in Congress? I don't think so. So vote for Mike Jones for Congress, he'll support the war no matter what.
JONES: I'm Mike Jones and I approved this message because I'm in it up to my elbows.
Vote for Smith
ANNOUNCER: The following is a paid political announcement.
SMITH: I’m Bob Smith and I’m running for re-election. I want to continue fighting for you. As the campaign winds down, my opponent vowed he wouldn’t “go negative” and promised not to turn this campaign into a mud-slinging frat party. Is that the kind of wimp you want in Congress? What happens when the Axis of Evil tries to pull a fast one? Is Jones going to buckle under to them too because he wants to play nice? Sure, you can vote for a spineless coward like Jones, or you can vote for me, Bob Smith.
ANNOUNCER: Bob Smith, a man you can count on to go negative.
SMITH: I’m Bob Smith and I approved this message because I’m not a wuss.
ANNOUNCER: The following is a paid political announcement.
SMITH: I’m Bob Smith and I’m running for re-election. I want to continue fighting for you. As the campaign winds down, my opponent vowed he wouldn’t “go negative” and promised not to turn this campaign into a mud-slinging frat party. Is that the kind of wimp you want in Congress? What happens when the Axis of Evil tries to pull a fast one? Is Jones going to buckle under to them too because he wants to play nice? Sure, you can vote for a spineless coward like Jones, or you can vote for me, Bob Smith.
ANNOUNCER: Bob Smith, a man you can count on to go negative.
SMITH: I’m Bob Smith and I approved this message because I’m not a wuss.
