From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
The year 2006 wasn't a great time for the auto industry. Obama had to bail out Detroit and so did George W. New technology was eluding them and old technology was locked in. Cars from overseas were ruling the market and layoffs were the norm. The perfect time to mock the car makers, no?
The more things change, the more they stay the same. (The sketch wasn't used, BTW)
The more things change, the more they stay the same. (The sketch wasn't used, BTW)
Forged Motors
HENRY: Hi, I’m Henry Forged the Third, President, CEO, Founder and Chairman of the Board of Forged Motors. As you may have heard, we here at Forged have been having a hard time of it. But thanks to laying off a bunch of people and paying for a bunch of new commercials, I think you'll see things start to turn around.
Sure, we now realized that maybe building a car called the Forged Glutton wasn’t the brightest idea.
(sound of engine starting, then gulping sounds)
I mean, really, we thought it up when gas was only 2 dollars a gallon. Who know it would cost more than milk? And just because people went nuts over Sports Utility Vehicles that really wasn’t a good reason to run out and build the SUV XXXL.
(sound of huge monster engine starting up, ship horn blows)
Of course now we realize that by “hybrid technology,” people didn’t mean an automobile that uses both gasoline and nuclear power. So much for the Forged Fission.
(sci-fi pulsing sound)
But we at Forge Motors are desperate to prove to that we have our thumb on the pulse of America and that we understand your transportation needs, as well has those of your chauffeurs. You know, I remember a time when people wouldn't buy a German car because we fought the Nazis in World War II. I wish we had those people around today. We fought Japan in that war, too, you know. Yet you all go out buying their cars like they weren't guilty of horrible wartime atrocities. What’s up with that?
Anyway, we’re retooling and we’re repositioning ourselves to retake the American automobile market.
(banging and hammering)
It’ll take hard work, some lobbyists, tariffs and a bunch more layoffs. Oh, yeah, and outsourcing. Can’t forget the outsourcing.
We’re bringing in the best and brightest engineers, people who are the cutting edge of Amish technology. Yes, soon you’ll be able to own the Forged Surry or the Forged Perambulator.
(horse whiney, clip-clop)
Yes, we’ll be putting the horse back into horsepower. It was my granddad, Henry Forged the First, who said he wanted to make a car that his own employees could afford. Since we now have way less employees, that means more cars for you, so come on down to your local Forge dealer and check them out.
ANNOUNCER: Forge Motors. America’s number one automaker until recently. Hey, at least we're not GM.
end
Sure, we now realized that maybe building a car called the Forged Glutton wasn’t the brightest idea.
(sound of engine starting, then gulping sounds)
I mean, really, we thought it up when gas was only 2 dollars a gallon. Who know it would cost more than milk? And just because people went nuts over Sports Utility Vehicles that really wasn’t a good reason to run out and build the SUV XXXL.
(sound of huge monster engine starting up, ship horn blows)
Of course now we realize that by “hybrid technology,” people didn’t mean an automobile that uses both gasoline and nuclear power. So much for the Forged Fission.
(sci-fi pulsing sound)
But we at Forge Motors are desperate to prove to that we have our thumb on the pulse of America and that we understand your transportation needs, as well has those of your chauffeurs. You know, I remember a time when people wouldn't buy a German car because we fought the Nazis in World War II. I wish we had those people around today. We fought Japan in that war, too, you know. Yet you all go out buying their cars like they weren't guilty of horrible wartime atrocities. What’s up with that?
Anyway, we’re retooling and we’re repositioning ourselves to retake the American automobile market.
(banging and hammering)
It’ll take hard work, some lobbyists, tariffs and a bunch more layoffs. Oh, yeah, and outsourcing. Can’t forget the outsourcing.
We’re bringing in the best and brightest engineers, people who are the cutting edge of Amish technology. Yes, soon you’ll be able to own the Forged Surry or the Forged Perambulator.
(horse whiney, clip-clop)
Yes, we’ll be putting the horse back into horsepower. It was my granddad, Henry Forged the First, who said he wanted to make a car that his own employees could afford. Since we now have way less employees, that means more cars for you, so come on down to your local Forge dealer and check them out.
ANNOUNCER: Forge Motors. America’s number one automaker until recently. Hey, at least we're not GM.
end
