From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Here's me making fun of the dot.com bubble, by taking an idea I had, then grafting it onto a running character PHC had, Larry.com. Ebay was a big deal. Grubhub hadn't become a thing yet, but I wondered about how I could profit off of used-food. Eat-bay seemed like the perfect vehicle. Then I pull a big twist and have a second PHC regular show up! And then I goof on Napster for a minute. It's not a bad little sketch, considering how little I know about technology. And I'm actually surprised it's as long as it is for such a goofy idea.
Eat-bay
GK: Larry is that you?
LARRY: Hi.
GK: How have you been?
LARRY: Doing well. Being a shut-in has its advantages. My commuting costs are way down.
GK: I haven’t heard much from you since you sold Larry dot com dot com.
LARRY: Well, I’ve been busy. Hear that ripping sound?
GK: What is that?
LARRY: It’s me pushing the envelope. And not just any envelope. Not some dinky #10 envelope. I’m pushing one of those heavy padded jobs. The kind that holds flatware or small cast-iron figurines.
GK: That’s good. Right?
LARRY: The best.
GK: So, what is it you’re up to?
LARRY: I’ve developed a new on line auction site. I call it Eat-bay.
GK: How’s it work?
LARRY: Well, it’s like all the other sites, you want to get rid of all the junk you have, you sell it to others, so it’s like that only for food. You have some leftover spaghetti in the fridge? Don’t throw it away, post it on Eat-bay and let somebody buy it for you.
GK: That sounds…unsanitary.
LARRY: It’s great. People out there want food, you got food, so, you just put it out there. Look I got 15 bids on a ½ package of Fig Newtons. Nothing wrong with them, I just only like to eat them a ½ pack at a time.
GK: I suppose.
LARRY: Here’s something, I gathered all the heel slices from my loaves of bread and I’m selling them.
GK: Who would buy the end slices of bread?
LARRY: People like to put them together and pretend it’s pita bread.
GK: And this fruit assortment?
LARRY: Some bananas that came off the bunch and some loose grapes. And a cocoanut. I’m not sure where that came from.
MAURICE: Ah-ha!
GK: Maurice the maitre'd from CAFE BOUEF! What are you doing down here?
MAURICE: We have been on the outlook for this underground black-market purveyor of second-hand food.
LARRY: Get out. You don’t have the right to be in my bunker.
GK: Maurice, what are you talking about?
MAURICE: You ask me what I am talking about? I have discovered that people are asking for bags ala doggie from my world famous Café Bouef restaurant and that those very same doggie bags are being sold on this…this, Eat-bay.
GK: That’s a problem?
MAURICE: Moi-oui!
LARRY: You haven’t got a leg to stand on, Froggie. Those people brought the food. It’s theirs to do with what they please. They can eat it or give it to the dog or sell it.
MAURICE: That is sacrilege! Besides, the patrons do have to sign a release that they will not be giving their leftovers to the doggie. There are limits.
GK: Let me see this. Larry, he’s right. The customers agree not to feed their doggie bags to the doggies.
LARRY: It won’t hold up in court. That agreement isn’t worth the pixels it took to generate it.
MAURICE: But this does!
GK: What is that?
MAURICE: It is a cease and desist order. We have the right to force you to remove any Café Beouf items from your website.
LARRY: This is censorship!
MAURICE: You are forbidden to post any Café Beouf entrées. This, the poutine amande, goes. This item, the avocat cuire au four, be gone! Scroll down, please. Ah! Blette bouilli, go bye-bye, au revoir hors d'oeuvres! What are those? French fries!
LARRY: Those are Freedom Fries.
MAURICE: Those can stay. But the rest, disparaître! And if they are not gone, you can expect to hear from the Gendarmerie. Good-bye!
GK: Au revior!
MAURICE: You want a waffle?
GK: No, au revior.
MAURICE: Air revolver? I do not understand---
GK: Good-bye, Maurice.
MAURICE: Oui! Au revior!
(foot steps and door slams)
GK: So, Larry, is this a problem for Eat-bay?
LARRY: Not at all. We’ll simply start up a peer-to-peer site where users can log on and exchange their food stuffs for a small fee.
GK: You’re not promoting food piracy, are you?
LARRY: Not at all.
(door opens)
ASSISTANT: Aurgh! Captain Larry, permission to come aboard!
GK: Who’s that?
LARRY: Just my assistant, Blackbeard.
GK: All right, then. It was very good catching up with you, Larry, but it’s time to be on my way.
LARRY: I don’t have a problem with that. And those donuts you serve in the green room? Those would be perfect for Eat-bay. You could make a nice piece of bling. Might cut down on the fundraising.
GK: We’ll keep that in mind, Larry.
end
LARRY: Hi.
GK: How have you been?
LARRY: Doing well. Being a shut-in has its advantages. My commuting costs are way down.
GK: I haven’t heard much from you since you sold Larry dot com dot com.
LARRY: Well, I’ve been busy. Hear that ripping sound?
GK: What is that?
LARRY: It’s me pushing the envelope. And not just any envelope. Not some dinky #10 envelope. I’m pushing one of those heavy padded jobs. The kind that holds flatware or small cast-iron figurines.
GK: That’s good. Right?
LARRY: The best.
GK: So, what is it you’re up to?
LARRY: I’ve developed a new on line auction site. I call it Eat-bay.
GK: How’s it work?
LARRY: Well, it’s like all the other sites, you want to get rid of all the junk you have, you sell it to others, so it’s like that only for food. You have some leftover spaghetti in the fridge? Don’t throw it away, post it on Eat-bay and let somebody buy it for you.
GK: That sounds…unsanitary.
LARRY: It’s great. People out there want food, you got food, so, you just put it out there. Look I got 15 bids on a ½ package of Fig Newtons. Nothing wrong with them, I just only like to eat them a ½ pack at a time.
GK: I suppose.
LARRY: Here’s something, I gathered all the heel slices from my loaves of bread and I’m selling them.
GK: Who would buy the end slices of bread?
LARRY: People like to put them together and pretend it’s pita bread.
GK: And this fruit assortment?
LARRY: Some bananas that came off the bunch and some loose grapes. And a cocoanut. I’m not sure where that came from.
MAURICE: Ah-ha!
GK: Maurice the maitre'd from CAFE BOUEF! What are you doing down here?
MAURICE: We have been on the outlook for this underground black-market purveyor of second-hand food.
LARRY: Get out. You don’t have the right to be in my bunker.
GK: Maurice, what are you talking about?
MAURICE: You ask me what I am talking about? I have discovered that people are asking for bags ala doggie from my world famous Café Bouef restaurant and that those very same doggie bags are being sold on this…this, Eat-bay.
GK: That’s a problem?
MAURICE: Moi-oui!
LARRY: You haven’t got a leg to stand on, Froggie. Those people brought the food. It’s theirs to do with what they please. They can eat it or give it to the dog or sell it.
MAURICE: That is sacrilege! Besides, the patrons do have to sign a release that they will not be giving their leftovers to the doggie. There are limits.
GK: Let me see this. Larry, he’s right. The customers agree not to feed their doggie bags to the doggies.
LARRY: It won’t hold up in court. That agreement isn’t worth the pixels it took to generate it.
MAURICE: But this does!
GK: What is that?
MAURICE: It is a cease and desist order. We have the right to force you to remove any Café Beouf items from your website.
LARRY: This is censorship!
MAURICE: You are forbidden to post any Café Beouf entrées. This, the poutine amande, goes. This item, the avocat cuire au four, be gone! Scroll down, please. Ah! Blette bouilli, go bye-bye, au revoir hors d'oeuvres! What are those? French fries!
LARRY: Those are Freedom Fries.
MAURICE: Those can stay. But the rest, disparaître! And if they are not gone, you can expect to hear from the Gendarmerie. Good-bye!
GK: Au revior!
MAURICE: You want a waffle?
GK: No, au revior.
MAURICE: Air revolver? I do not understand---
GK: Good-bye, Maurice.
MAURICE: Oui! Au revior!
(foot steps and door slams)
GK: So, Larry, is this a problem for Eat-bay?
LARRY: Not at all. We’ll simply start up a peer-to-peer site where users can log on and exchange their food stuffs for a small fee.
GK: You’re not promoting food piracy, are you?
LARRY: Not at all.
(door opens)
ASSISTANT: Aurgh! Captain Larry, permission to come aboard!
GK: Who’s that?
LARRY: Just my assistant, Blackbeard.
GK: All right, then. It was very good catching up with you, Larry, but it’s time to be on my way.
LARRY: I don’t have a problem with that. And those donuts you serve in the green room? Those would be perfect for Eat-bay. You could make a nice piece of bling. Might cut down on the fundraising.
GK: We’ll keep that in mind, Larry.
end
