From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
There was quite a break from Halloween to Thanksgiving. I've tried to get this sketch on it's feet so many times I can't remember whether I pulled it out of the file for this or if I wrote it for here and tried to resubmit afterward. I even re-worked it a bit to be a Christmas holiday sketch and even slipped it into a rom-com I wrote. It's basically a silly bit, but also kind of dark. It seems like it belongs with one of my Gravy Hut or Anchor Store skits, but it plays very different.
It got a pass on multiple fronts, so we'll just present it here:
It got a pass on multiple fronts, so we'll just present it here:
Debbie’s Free-Range Accidentally Killed Turkey Farm
ANNOUNCER: Want to enjoy a turkey this holiday season but don’t want to support the cruel turkey killing factories? Then come on down to Debbie’s Free-Range Turkey Farm.
DEBBIE: That’s right. I’m Debbie and I raise free-range turkeys. These turkeys aren’t caged. They’re not crammed into little coops. They are free to roam all over my extensive property. Free to come and go as they please. No curfews here. No lock-down times. These are free-ranging turkeys.
ANNOUNCER: You bet. But, like anything else, freedom comes with risk. These turkeys are out there on their own, and as we know, accidents happen.
DEBBIE: I’ll say. Last week, a bunch of my turkeys got killed trying to cross the interstate.
(passing cars, beeping horns, shrieking tires, a crash, gobbling)
DEBBIE: Thursday a group of turkeys fell off the cliff down yonder.
(slide whistle down, splats, gobbles)
DEBBIE: They can’t fly so good, you know. Why, just this morning a number of birds got electrocuted when the radio fell into the bathtub.
RUSH: (on radio) ---And here’s what else is wrong with liberals and their latte-loving ilk---
(zaps, shocks, gobbles)
ANNOUNCER: So these creatures weren’t savagely murdered?
DEBBIE: Not at all. It was their time.
ANNOUNCER: So whether your turkey got locked in a garage with a running automobile or took a header down the staircase, you know you’ll get a great tasting main dish without the guilt.
DEBBIE: You won’t believe how clumsy these birds can be. It’s a miracle they made it along this far.
ANNOUNCER: And if you liked Debbie’s Turkeys, then why not try Debbie’s suicidal pigs for a holiday ham that can’t be beat!
(OINKS, then a gun shot)
ANNOUNCER: Good? You’ll gobble it up!
End
DEBBIE: That’s right. I’m Debbie and I raise free-range turkeys. These turkeys aren’t caged. They’re not crammed into little coops. They are free to roam all over my extensive property. Free to come and go as they please. No curfews here. No lock-down times. These are free-ranging turkeys.
ANNOUNCER: You bet. But, like anything else, freedom comes with risk. These turkeys are out there on their own, and as we know, accidents happen.
DEBBIE: I’ll say. Last week, a bunch of my turkeys got killed trying to cross the interstate.
(passing cars, beeping horns, shrieking tires, a crash, gobbling)
DEBBIE: Thursday a group of turkeys fell off the cliff down yonder.
(slide whistle down, splats, gobbles)
DEBBIE: They can’t fly so good, you know. Why, just this morning a number of birds got electrocuted when the radio fell into the bathtub.
RUSH: (on radio) ---And here’s what else is wrong with liberals and their latte-loving ilk---
(zaps, shocks, gobbles)
ANNOUNCER: So these creatures weren’t savagely murdered?
DEBBIE: Not at all. It was their time.
ANNOUNCER: So whether your turkey got locked in a garage with a running automobile or took a header down the staircase, you know you’ll get a great tasting main dish without the guilt.
DEBBIE: You won’t believe how clumsy these birds can be. It’s a miracle they made it along this far.
ANNOUNCER: And if you liked Debbie’s Turkeys, then why not try Debbie’s suicidal pigs for a holiday ham that can’t be beat!
(OINKS, then a gun shot)
ANNOUNCER: Good? You’ll gobble it up!
End
