From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This is cute little bit that I do remember writing. I took the idea of the last-minute shopper (based on people I know) and turned it into character who you would follow on reality TV. Or in this case, reality radio. I followed the typical "another episode" format the show was so fond of. I strung together some standard "last minute shopper" conceits. I even made a "Tree Grows in Brooklyn" reference. I worked in a smoking outside joke and I written for something else. And it had some heft to it. A lot of my sketches were shrinking in length. I thought it was a a sure-fire idea for PHC. It wasn't.
Clyde Wilson: Christmas Daredevil
GK: Join us now for another exciting episode of "Clyde Wilson: Christmas Daredevil."
(Car driving)
MARY: Clyde, I thought we were going to drive around to look at the Christmas lights. Where are we going?
CLYDE: I still have to buy a gift for my mother.
MARY: What?? It's Christmas Eve!
CLYDE: Yeah, so?
MARY: Tomorrow is Christmas!
CLYDE: Well, duh, that's pretty much the meaning of "Christmas Eve."
MARY: You won't be able to get it now.
CLYDE: Plenty of time.
MARY: You can't go shopping on Christmas Eve.
CLYDE: Are you kidding? That's when it just starts to get interesting. Here we are. See, the store's still open for last minute gift shopping. I'm going to run pass all those smokers outside the door! Think of the second-hand smoke risk!
MARY: Why are all those people standing outside smoking in this weather? Aren't they afraid of catching a cold?
CLYDE: They're risking lung cancer, Mary, I doubt a cold is going to frighten them. I'm going in!
(Whistles, shouting, bells, crowd noises, cars screeching)
MARY: Clyde!
CLYDE: Look at this, Mary...half off! It's a steal!
MARY: Watch out, there's a bargain hunter right behind you!
(Running, cash register)
CLYDE: I'm back!
MARY: I can't believe you do this every year!
CLYDE: I live for this! Besides, I still have to get some cards.
MARY: What? Christmas Cards? Aren't you afraid of offending people by sending them out this late?
CLYDE: I laugh at fear! Now hold still, I want to take a picture for the card.
(Click)
MARY: You're going to get a photo card made up now?
CLYDE: I know a guy that knows a guy with a machine.
MARY: You know a guy?
CLYDE: He works out of the tree lot, which works out because I still have to pick up the tree. Look there's a very nice spruce there. I'm on it.
(Yelling, screaming, chaos)
MARY: Clyde, watch out! There's an orphan waiting to get a leftover tree for free!
CLYDE: Not tonight, Francie Nolan! Got it! I'm back, Mary.
MARY: Where's the tree?
CLYDE: I duct taped it to the roof of the car.
MARY: Clyde, this is crazy! Why do you take these chances every year?
CLYDE: I live for Christmas Eve, Mary. Anyone can go to the mall back in November or shop on the Internet. But only a man who likes to live on the edge will get out there and mix it up on Christmas Eve.
MARY: Oh, please, you're just a procrastinator.
CLYDE: Hey, look, inflatable snowmen for the front lawn! I'm going in!
MARY: No, wait, Clyde! Be careful of that snow blower!
CLYDE: What? Oh no!
MARY: Wait a second...did you tip the garbage men?
(Crash, bang, boom)
GK: Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of "Clyde Wilson: Christmas Daredevil" when we hear Clyde say:
CLYDE: I'm going to eat this piece of fruitcake.
MARY: Nooooo!
GK: That's next time on "Clyde Wilson: Christmas Daredevil."
End
(Car driving)
MARY: Clyde, I thought we were going to drive around to look at the Christmas lights. Where are we going?
CLYDE: I still have to buy a gift for my mother.
MARY: What?? It's Christmas Eve!
CLYDE: Yeah, so?
MARY: Tomorrow is Christmas!
CLYDE: Well, duh, that's pretty much the meaning of "Christmas Eve."
MARY: You won't be able to get it now.
CLYDE: Plenty of time.
MARY: You can't go shopping on Christmas Eve.
CLYDE: Are you kidding? That's when it just starts to get interesting. Here we are. See, the store's still open for last minute gift shopping. I'm going to run pass all those smokers outside the door! Think of the second-hand smoke risk!
MARY: Why are all those people standing outside smoking in this weather? Aren't they afraid of catching a cold?
CLYDE: They're risking lung cancer, Mary, I doubt a cold is going to frighten them. I'm going in!
(Whistles, shouting, bells, crowd noises, cars screeching)
MARY: Clyde!
CLYDE: Look at this, Mary...half off! It's a steal!
MARY: Watch out, there's a bargain hunter right behind you!
(Running, cash register)
CLYDE: I'm back!
MARY: I can't believe you do this every year!
CLYDE: I live for this! Besides, I still have to get some cards.
MARY: What? Christmas Cards? Aren't you afraid of offending people by sending them out this late?
CLYDE: I laugh at fear! Now hold still, I want to take a picture for the card.
(Click)
MARY: You're going to get a photo card made up now?
CLYDE: I know a guy that knows a guy with a machine.
MARY: You know a guy?
CLYDE: He works out of the tree lot, which works out because I still have to pick up the tree. Look there's a very nice spruce there. I'm on it.
(Yelling, screaming, chaos)
MARY: Clyde, watch out! There's an orphan waiting to get a leftover tree for free!
CLYDE: Not tonight, Francie Nolan! Got it! I'm back, Mary.
MARY: Where's the tree?
CLYDE: I duct taped it to the roof of the car.
MARY: Clyde, this is crazy! Why do you take these chances every year?
CLYDE: I live for Christmas Eve, Mary. Anyone can go to the mall back in November or shop on the Internet. But only a man who likes to live on the edge will get out there and mix it up on Christmas Eve.
MARY: Oh, please, you're just a procrastinator.
CLYDE: Hey, look, inflatable snowmen for the front lawn! I'm going in!
MARY: No, wait, Clyde! Be careful of that snow blower!
CLYDE: What? Oh no!
MARY: Wait a second...did you tip the garbage men?
(Crash, bang, boom)
GK: Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of "Clyde Wilson: Christmas Daredevil" when we hear Clyde say:
CLYDE: I'm going to eat this piece of fruitcake.
MARY: Nooooo!
GK: That's next time on "Clyde Wilson: Christmas Daredevil."
End
