From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Here's one I had forgotten about. The Catsup stuff was a regular bit on the show, and it was award show season, so why not combine them? I had some movie related jokes to get out of my system (Hollywood's obsession with rehashes, reboots and sequels), I really like the line "metaphorical water cooler." How did I come up with that? I thought I really captured the essence of Ketchup. They didn't use it, but since it is award season again, it's a good time to post, right?
Catsup Advisory Board:
Award Shows
GK: Tonight's show brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
TR: These are the good years for me and Barb; I went short on salt futures, so the warm winter weather has been making me some serious money. Then the government tapped our phone but they did it backwards so now we can hear what’s going on at the NSA every time we pick up the phone. And the kids got good jobs as seat fillers at this year’s Academy awards. So I was surprised to see Barb moping around.
SS: Sigh!
TR: What is it, Barb?
SS: All these award shows…the Golden Gobles, the SAG awards, the Critic’s Choice, the People’s Choice. I’m a people. I don’t remember choosing! How can they just do that?
TR: They just do.
SS: And now the nominees for the Academy Awards are out and I don’t know any of these films. Not a one! Heck, I don’t even know who the host is!
TR: It’s okay, Barb. He’s from cable. You’re not expected to know.
SS: I’m just so out of it.
TR: Now, honey that can’t be true. We saw a lot of movies.
SS: This year? At the theater? No.
TR: Well, we don’t want to be fanatics about it.
SS: How can I keep au current if I don’t know what the latest blockbuster movie is? How will I know what they’re talking about down at the water cooler?
TR: We don’t have a water cooler, Barb.
SS: I mean our metaphorical water cooler, Jim. The place where people gather to discuss the hottest TV shows and the big movies. And what two celebrities have had their names combined to form a dating entity.
TR: I’m sure we could read the paper and find out. Here, the big movie is “King Kong.”
SS: King Kong? Didn’t that come out like sixty years ago? How is that possible?
TR: Well, let’s see, another big movie was “Star Wars.”
SS: I saw “Star Wars” when I was 16! How can that me? Are you sure that’s today’s paper?
TR: Barb, settle down. So we haven’t see the latest remakes of the movies we grew up on made by people younger than my socks. It’s no reason to be upset. In fact, I’d be upset if we had spent actual money to see them.
SS: I suppose you're right. What can I do about it?
TR: Ketchup.
SS: Ketchup.
TR: Yes, ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that help a person get through the amazing amount of glitz and glamour riding on the narrowest of excuses to exist in the culture we call pop.
SS: You’re right, Jim. I’ll go read a book instead. They don’t give anyone awards for books!
RD: These are the good years, a new day with each dawn. With stadium seating and cup holders galore. And films unspooling, like ketchup on popcorn.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
RD: Ketchup...ketchup...
end
TR: These are the good years for me and Barb; I went short on salt futures, so the warm winter weather has been making me some serious money. Then the government tapped our phone but they did it backwards so now we can hear what’s going on at the NSA every time we pick up the phone. And the kids got good jobs as seat fillers at this year’s Academy awards. So I was surprised to see Barb moping around.
SS: Sigh!
TR: What is it, Barb?
SS: All these award shows…the Golden Gobles, the SAG awards, the Critic’s Choice, the People’s Choice. I’m a people. I don’t remember choosing! How can they just do that?
TR: They just do.
SS: And now the nominees for the Academy Awards are out and I don’t know any of these films. Not a one! Heck, I don’t even know who the host is!
TR: It’s okay, Barb. He’s from cable. You’re not expected to know.
SS: I’m just so out of it.
TR: Now, honey that can’t be true. We saw a lot of movies.
SS: This year? At the theater? No.
TR: Well, we don’t want to be fanatics about it.
SS: How can I keep au current if I don’t know what the latest blockbuster movie is? How will I know what they’re talking about down at the water cooler?
TR: We don’t have a water cooler, Barb.
SS: I mean our metaphorical water cooler, Jim. The place where people gather to discuss the hottest TV shows and the big movies. And what two celebrities have had their names combined to form a dating entity.
TR: I’m sure we could read the paper and find out. Here, the big movie is “King Kong.”
SS: King Kong? Didn’t that come out like sixty years ago? How is that possible?
TR: Well, let’s see, another big movie was “Star Wars.”
SS: I saw “Star Wars” when I was 16! How can that me? Are you sure that’s today’s paper?
TR: Barb, settle down. So we haven’t see the latest remakes of the movies we grew up on made by people younger than my socks. It’s no reason to be upset. In fact, I’d be upset if we had spent actual money to see them.
SS: I suppose you're right. What can I do about it?
TR: Ketchup.
SS: Ketchup.
TR: Yes, ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that help a person get through the amazing amount of glitz and glamour riding on the narrowest of excuses to exist in the culture we call pop.
SS: You’re right, Jim. I’ll go read a book instead. They don’t give anyone awards for books!
RD: These are the good years, a new day with each dawn. With stadium seating and cup holders galore. And films unspooling, like ketchup on popcorn.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
RD: Ketchup...ketchup...
end
