From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Before woke became woke, there were the rumblings of the annual "War on Christmas" nonsense. I decided to jump aboard although, now reading this all these years later, I'm not sure whose case I was making. Except mocking commercialism. That was always a thing. But people were claiming that we weren't being allowed to say "Merry Christmas" by liberals. Their proof? Big retail companies were using the phrase "Happy Holidays," which allowed them to put up their holiday decorations early and keep them up longer without having to spend extra to swap them out. Forced to acknowledge that their stores operate in a multi-cultural society and wanting to welcome as many customers as possible, corporations started to be more generic about their wintertime greetings. And this angered (and still angers) people who want to be the center of attention and won't share the cultural spotlight.
Couched as a ad for an upcoming NPR special (as PHC often used), it's a look at Dicken's tale but without the word Christmas. I actually named Walmart, which at the time was dictating retail rules, setting up deals with China for products and underselling everyone thanks to it. So dealing with a communistic, atheistic dictatorship was really working for them. And proto-MAGA (then the Tea Party) loved them for it...to a point.
The piece didn't get used; it's all attitude and no real jokes, so I get it. Anyway, Season's Greetings, everyone!
Couched as a ad for an upcoming NPR special (as PHC often used), it's a look at Dicken's tale but without the word Christmas. I actually named Walmart, which at the time was dictating retail rules, setting up deals with China for products and underselling everyone thanks to it. So dealing with a communistic, atheistic dictatorship was really working for them. And proto-MAGA (then the Tea Party) loved them for it...to a point.
The piece didn't get used; it's all attitude and no real jokes, so I get it. Anyway, Season's Greetings, everyone!
A Holiday Carol
GK: Later tonight on you local public radio station, it’s a new holiday special. Wal-Mart presents Charles Dickens’ classic tale “A Holiday Carol.”
(carol playing. Wind blowing. A door creaks.)
SCROOGE: Humbug! Who are you supposed to be?
GHOST: I am the Ghost of Holiday Past.
SCROOGE: Huh? You mean Christmas Past.
GHOST: No, I’m trying to be inclusive here.
SCROOGE: Fine, fine…Long Past?
GHOST: No, your holiday past.
SCROOGE: So, what, we’re going to look at things that happened to me around New Year’s Day, too? Or maybe Winter Solstice?
GK: It’s the old holiday tale told with a new modern sensibility, in a way that will get people of all faiths and creeds to spend their money at Wal-mart during our all important 4th quarter.
SCROOGE: The spirits were true to their word! I’m home again! But how long have I been among the spirits! You, boy!
BOY: What? Me?
SCROOGE: What day is this?
BOY: Today? Why it’s December 25th!
SCROOGE: Then I haven’t missed one of the holidays of the holiday season!
ANNOUNCER: It’s Wal-Mart’s special presentation of Dickens’ “Holiday Carol” tonight on National Public Radio, right after the children’s classic “How the Grinch Stole the Festival.”
SCROOGE: A happy holiday to all and fortune bless us!
TINY TIM: Fortune bless us, everyone!
end
(carol playing. Wind blowing. A door creaks.)
SCROOGE: Humbug! Who are you supposed to be?
GHOST: I am the Ghost of Holiday Past.
SCROOGE: Huh? You mean Christmas Past.
GHOST: No, I’m trying to be inclusive here.
SCROOGE: Fine, fine…Long Past?
GHOST: No, your holiday past.
SCROOGE: So, what, we’re going to look at things that happened to me around New Year’s Day, too? Or maybe Winter Solstice?
GK: It’s the old holiday tale told with a new modern sensibility, in a way that will get people of all faiths and creeds to spend their money at Wal-mart during our all important 4th quarter.
SCROOGE: The spirits were true to their word! I’m home again! But how long have I been among the spirits! You, boy!
BOY: What? Me?
SCROOGE: What day is this?
BOY: Today? Why it’s December 25th!
SCROOGE: Then I haven’t missed one of the holidays of the holiday season!
ANNOUNCER: It’s Wal-Mart’s special presentation of Dickens’ “Holiday Carol” tonight on National Public Radio, right after the children’s classic “How the Grinch Stole the Festival.”
SCROOGE: A happy holiday to all and fortune bless us!
TINY TIM: Fortune bless us, everyone!
end
