The Wall Street Journal reports that 64% of small businesses are not planning on hiring this coming year because things are too unstable…
…The other 36% wanted to know if anyone else was hiring.
…The other 36% kept pestering the pollster to buy something.
During a press conference President Obama told reporters that nobody’s talking about increasing taxes then 9 minutes later told reporters that we need to increase revenues. Obviously, the President needs a new thesaurus.
Scientists in Japan have found the first "superbug" strain of gonorrhea that is resistant to antibiotics...
…so Lady Gaga will not be asked back.
…driving gonorrhea’s poll numbers way down.
…removing all the glamour from getting gonorrhea.
A woman in Texas gave birth to a 16-pound baby boy, the biggest baby ever born in the state of Texas and Michelle Obama has already ordered the kid to do a couple of laps.
Youtube sensation Rebecca Black announced the release of new song and video called "My Moment,"
proof positive that Youtube can create media stars. It’s just a matter of time, right? Isn’t it?
Recently recovered records show that Adolf Hitler ordered blow-up dolls for his troops because so many caught sex diseases from hookers…
…nice to see they were able to put their zeppelin technology to good work.
…apparently the master race needed more master-bation.
Al Gore announced a worldwide, 24-Hour event to raise climate change awareness, which is counter-productive, because yawning increases your carbon-footprint.
President Obama told CBS News that he cannot guarantee that Social Security checks will go out as planned if Democrats and Republicans fail to reach a deal to raise the debt ceiling by August 2...
...Great, now seniors will have to find stores that will take IOUs for cans of cat food.
…yet I bet Congress will still pull their pay checks.
British authorities are warning that we may expect an increase in cyber-terrorism with al Qaeda’s announced "cyber jihad" following the death of Osama bin Laden…
…Which is ironic as bin Laden didn’t even have internet service.
…which explains their new slogan, “Spam to America!”
…and if you succeed, you go to virtual paradise with 72 virgin avatars.
According to the Wall Street Journal, the economy is so weak now that dollar stores like Family Dollar, Dollar Tree and Dollar General are struggling…
…driving their stock price to, you guessed it, a dollar.
…and being replaced by “Loose Change” stores.
The House Democrats blocked a repeal of the light bulb efficiency standards that will force incandescent bulbs off the market in 2012…
…what a bright idea.
…what a bunch of dim bulbs.
…good thing I held on to all these candles.
The Washington Post reports that Michelle Obama ordered a burger, fries, chocolate shake and Diet Coke at a Shake Shack in Washington D.C. because she couldn’t raise them in the White House garden.
In sports, the man who returned Derek Jeter's 3,000th-hit ball will owe the IRS thousands of dollars because of the luxury seats that the Yankees rewarded him…
…Even more, if they factor in the free hot dogs and beer.
…so he threw the ball back.
The brother of Afghan President Hamid Karzai was assassinated last week by one of his own bodyguards…
…Making him the worse bodyguard ever.
…totally taking him out of the running for “Employee of the Month.”
A local historian claims that North Dakota may not be a state because of a flaw in the state's constitution concerning the executive branch which renders North Dakota's statehood invalid…
…Which means that President Obama now only has to worry about the other 56 states.
…and North Dakota frankly isn’t in any rush to fix it these days.
Part two of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” was released in a record-setting 4,375 theaters, 3,000 3-D locations, 274 IMAX venues and 270 drive-ins…
…Also, I saw it on my microwave oven.
…So the trick is making it disappear.
Oprah Winfrey has named herself CEO and CCO of the Oprah Winfrey Network…
…Because nobody else wanted their name connected to it.
…what are the odds?
In a new poll, only 43% of Jewish voters say they would vote to re-elect President Obama. The other 57%, when asked if they would vote for Obama, simply said “oy.”
President Obama collected $86 million for his re-election campaign and the Democratic party during the past three months…
…oh, you mean he wasn’t going to spend money he doesn’t have to run for re-election?
…sure, for that he raises money. For the deficit, not so much.
A presidential historian was arrested for stealing millions of dollars in documents from the Maryland Historical Society…
…When questioned about his motive, he claimed there was a treasure map on the back of them.
…the head of the Maryland Historical Society released a statement saying, “Thanks a lot, Nicholas Cage.”
NBC issued a formal apology to more than 100 members of Congress for omitting the words "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance during a patriotic montage that aired last month…
…saying they just wanted to get this whole G-D problem behind them.
…adding that they vow before Whomever never to let it happen again.
Dolce & Gabbana launched its own e-commerce site last week, making its collection available directly to shoppers everywhere. In a related story, Joey Beans launched Fake Dolce & Gabbana.com to sell his line of knockoffs.
Sam Mazzola, an exotic-animal owner who was in the news last summer when one of his bears mauled a woman to death has died after apparently choking on a sex toy…
…And we’re supposed to believe this is merely a coincidence?
…Police are rounding up the usual bears.
…well, sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you.
With the final Harry Potter now out, industry experts say that Time Warner has made over $21 billion from the franchise since 1998 from films, videos, video games, licensed merchandise, and books. In a related story, President Obama has just nominated Harry Potter as Secretary of the Treasury.
In the news is the latest Quinnipiac poll showing that 56 percent of Americans disapproved of the way Obama is handling the economy. While 82% were surprised to learn there was still an economy.
Concerned over the political gridlock stalling debt limit talks, Moody’s Investors Service put the U.S. under review for a credit rating downgrade from Aaa to Aa. At which point Goldman Sachs will bundle them and sell them with other junk bonds.
President Obama re-election campaign announced that he is celebrating his 50th birthday Aug. 3 with a party fund-raiser in Chicago and tickets will cost up to $35,800 per couple…
…but that includes a slice of cake.
…with birthday cake. So that’s good, he’ll get to blow something beside the economy.
…or you can just send a card. With a big check.
A report by UCLA psychologists finds that, because of social media and television, fame is the top goal among kids these days…
…so if you thought this generation of political leaders is bad, just wait.
…because, they want to live forever and light up the sky like a flame. Baby, remember their name.
...so officials are reducing everyone's 15 minutes of fame to 10.
As it turns out, President Obama‘s story of his mother’s, fights with her insurance company over coverage as she lay dying may have been exaggerated for political gain. Hey, at this point I wouldn’t be surprised to find out she was still alive.