Hugh Hefner turned 85. So, ladies, if you want to be exploited by him, you’d better hurry.
Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne owe the IRS in excess of $1.7 million dollars…
…so that’s what happens when Ozzy gets hold of the Turbotax software.
…who do they think they are, GE?
…so, they’ve filed for a government bail-out.
It’s being reported that Planned Parenthood spent more than a million dollars last year to get democrats elected in 2010…
…Well, no wonder the Democrats were so anxious to keep them funded during the budget showdown.
…and it turns out that 90% of what they do is shill for Democrats.
In France, a new law banning the wearing of face veils in public went into effect...
…so expect a outbreak of colds in Paris.
…and the French police began making arrests immediately. So, be careful of any Le Cars left lying around.
…but the country has issued a waiver to Helen Thomas to get her to start wearing one.
The Pentagon said the military intervention in Libya cost the U.S. an estimated $608 million in the first few of weeks of the operation…
…Good thing we’re swimming in cash, then.
…which could have been a problem if we were in the middle of a budget crisis or something.
…and I’m sure they appreciate every dollar of it.
President Obama outlined a broad plan to reduce the nation's deficit, which depends a lot on “wishing.”
The U.S. government has prevented more than 350 people suspected of terrorism groups from boarding U.S.-bound commercial flights since the end of 2009…
..they didn’t actually arrest them, though.
…they also prevented Kevin Smith and the Bunny Lady from flying, too.
…but that doesn’t count all the people who didn’t board planes because they were embarrassed by the pat-downs.
A Chicago school has banned students from bringing lunches from home to protect the kids from their own "unhealthy" food choices…
…because, then they can’t control their Twinkie intake.
…they didn’t see it as a problem because who doesn’t leap at the chance to eat school lunch?
…because who’s ready to start trusting parents?
…meanwhile, all us adults can afford is brown bag lunches.
After being dismissed by the White House as a "sideshow" circus freak, Donald Trump said the comments are proof positive that President Obama views him as a real threat in 2012. Of course, the way things are now, Ralph Nader is a real threat to Obama.
A new study found that mothers of young children were heavier and ate more calories, sugary drinks and fatty foods than childless women…
…because, frankly, childless women don’t keep a lot of Twinkies and Oreos around the house.
…On the other hand, they tend not to die alone and unloved with a ton of cats.
…that’s only because childless women are about to nibble at their cat’s food.
…as it turns out, kids are like 100 points on Weight Watchers.
A group of Huffington Post bloggers filed a class-action lawsuit Tuesday against Arianna Huffington over their unpaid status…
…so Huffington has now begun outsourcing the blogs to India.
…she was going to issue a statement to the press but couldn’t find anyone willing to write it for her for free.
In an opinion piece, Politico states that the NFL players need President Obama's support and it criticizes the President for not supporting the players in their dispute with the league's owners…
...Really? I thought Politico wanted the NFL players to win.
…obviously, Politico hasn’t been paying attention to the President’s record this season.
On “Meet the Press,” host David Gregory stated President Obama came out a winner during the budget battle because he was able to “rise above the fray.” And by “rise above the fray” he means “be on vacation.”
MSNBC's Chris Matthews said on his show "Hardball" that Congressman Paul Ryan's Medicare reform plan "is going to kill half the people” who watch his show. So, try to hang in there Steve and Dave.
According to records obtained by Judicial Watch, the Obama Administration spent up to 200 million taxpayer dollars for a multimedia campaign designed to promote Obamacare…
…and that doesn’t include the scratch and sniff books.
…and if would have been even more if they decided to include the facts.
…hey, fantasy doesn’t come cheap.
…what? Did they take out an ad during the Super Bowl?
…because it costs just that much to overcome bad word-of-mouth.
An American from Alabama who joined Somalia’s most dangerous militant group has released two new rap songs on the Internet to recruit young jihadists…
…because we all know how much Al-Queda loves rap music.
…well, they’ve got a good beat but it’s hard to explode to.
…man, and I thought regular rap music was angry.
…and when Al-Queda says the songs are “da bomb,” they are actually bombs.
The EPA is now paying to upgrade outdated Mexican trucks that create illegal amounts of exhaust so they can continue to deliver merchandise into the U.S…
…apparently, the illegal aliens being smuggled in were complaining about the fumes.
…Fine, we’re making their trucks legal, but not their immigrants.
…gosh, do we wash their windshields, too?
People magazine named Jennifer Lopez the world's Most Beautiful Woman…
…maybe next year, Helen Thomas.
…although Rosie O’Donnell is demanding a recount.
China’s television censors have issued new guidelines that all but ban TV dramas featuring time travel…
…so much for pitching my new show “Quantum Reap.”
…apparently, they don’t want the Chinese people getting any ideas.
…because the Chinese people should just get used to the present they have.
…because then you’ll have someone go back in time and try to kill Mao Tse-Tung as a child and things will just get too confusing.
President Obama is renewing his call to end the Bush-era tax cuts for families making over $250,000 a year. So, he’s against it after he was for it before he was against it. Again.
Associated Press had to retract a story that stated that General Electric was responding to public outcry and donating its $3.2 billion tax refund to the federal government when they discovered it was a prank…
…like GE is going to give the money back after their CEO Jeffrey Immelt joined Obama’s budget commission.
…It was a fake “press release” emailed to them. Well, you can understand how they got fooled. They’re so used to just passing along White House press releases that they did it out of habit.
A cologne company has released the world’s first cologne/perfume that smells like bacon. Great, I needed something to go with my lettuce body wash and tomato hair gel.
A new video has come to light of Transportation Security Administration agents at the New Orleans airport giving an intense pat-down to a 6-year-old girl…
…officials explain they thought she was a terrorist midget; or tidget.
…the TSA apologized, saying it was a misunderstanding when they overheard the child saying she had to make a “boom-boom.”
…in a related story, Roman Polanski has just applied for a job at the TSA.
President Barack Obama announced a plan to reduce the deficit by $4 trillion over 12 years with mixture of tax hikes, drastic spending cuts, reductions in the Pentagon’s budget, smaller entitlement reforms and a lot of pixie dust.
During a speech in Massachusetts, Nancy Pelosi said that elections shouldn’t matter as much as they do. Sure, if you keep losing them.
Vice President Biden was caught on camera dozing off during President Obama's deficit speech…
…no wonder he agrees with it.
…who does he think he is? An air traffic controller?
A New York Times editorial about President Obama's deficit reduction speech stated "The man America elected president has re-emerged…"
…I guess he’s back from vacation.
…just in time to be voted out.
…until the next time in caves.
A USA TODAY analysis found that only 45.4% of Americans had jobs in 2010, the lowest rate since 1983. I hope there’s somebody left to turn out the lights when we’re done.
The boyfriend of Magnum Crystal, the prostitute who accused three Duke Lacrosse players of rape, was stabbed to death. The Durham police rounded up the usual suspects: the Duke Lacrosse team.
Arizona has approved a bill requiring presidential candidates to prove they are U.S. citizens eligible to run for the office. Democrats argued against the bill. But then they don’t want to prove that immigrant voters are legal so why would they care about the candidate?
The head of the Air Traffic Organization at the Federal Aviation Administration resigned last Thursday in the wake of recent reports of air-traffic controllers sleeping on the job…
…which was going to resign Wednesday, but he over slept.
…especially after he authorized the installation of “snooze alarms” in all air traffic towers.
ABC has canceled two of its longest-running programs, daytime soap operas "All My Children" and "One Life to Live…"
…just when I was about to find out if Rupert was sleeping with Brenda to spite Chelsea over her affair with Malcolm during the siege inside the extinct volcano.
…when they actually could save the show by changing the name to “The Housewives of Pine Valley.”
…apparently viewers are off getting their immorality and warped life decisions from Bravo.
…because ABC needed more room for vapid talk shows.
During his budget speech at George Washington University, President Obama said that it’s only because of government entitlements that America became a great country…
…thinking we bought our way to greatest.
…so it turns out all those pioneers, explorers and founding fathers where just a bunch of wimps.
…I think the Soviet Union tried the same campaign until it collapsed.
On a bipartisan vote, Congress passed a yearlong government funding measure cutting $38 billion from the budget. Great only 2.22 Trillion to go.
The Maryland House of Delegates passed a bill granting in-state tuition to illegal immigrants…
…so they can smart enough to stay in this country legally.
…so they can earn a Masters in lawn care.
It’s “Earth Week” on all the NBC-Universal TV stations and you know what that means…
…having a big corporation tell you how to live your life.
…having TV shows nagging you about litter.
…too many Al Gore cameos.
Time magazine published a new article asking the question, "Is Hell Dead?"…
…what? Is your cable TV out?
…obliviously not reading the rest of the magazine.
In an effort to confuse everyone, a man burned a Koran wrapped in an American flag.
A former employee of the Rainbow Push Coalition filed a wrongful termination complaint against the Rev. Jesse Jackson Sr. stating that Jackson propositioned him for oral sex. Wait! You mean Jesse Jackson was cheating on both his families?
According to linguists in Mexico, there are only two people left in the world who can fluently speak the ancient language of Ayapaneco and they aren’t speaking to each other…
…they want to get someone to act as a go-between, but nobody else speaks the language.
…was it something he said?
…it’s not that they’re feuding, it’s just that they have nothing to say.
And in Hong Kong, the world's first 3D porn film premiered…
…and the glasses aren’t the only thing you need.
…that’s so realistic you actually catch an STD.
The world’s oldest man died---what? Again?
During a fund raiser, President Obama joked that he always thought the Oval Office would have really cool phones with fancy buttons and the big screen that comes up…
…where he did he study technology? In James Bond movies?
…although he does appreciate the digital Teleprompter 3000.
NASA announced the sites where its retiring shuttles will be sent; The Smithsonian Institution in Washington, Cape Canaveral's Kennedy Space Center, the California Science Center in Los Angeles and the prototype Enterprise is being sent to the Intrepid Museum in New York…
…because we all know how important New York was to the space program.
…where it will be stripped for parts and covered with graffiti.
the Treasury inspector general reports that the IRS paid out more than a half-billion dollars in homebuyer tax credits to people who didn’t qualify, including prison inmates, taxpayers younger than 18, people who did not actually buy homes and GE.
The U.S. Postal Service issued a new stamp honoring the Statue of Liberty only they used a picture of the wrong statue, the replica located outside Las Vegas’s New York-New York Casino…
…Next week the Post Office is going to issue a stamp honoring the Grand Canyon of Delaware.
…which explains why if you get 3 in a row, quarters come out of your mailbox.
…so the Post Office is going to issue a stamp featuring the Hoover Dam of Vermont.